


Who Was Sapphire?

by sweetpeaspodsquad



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Depression, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:25:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16109786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetpeaspodsquad/pseuds/sweetpeaspodsquad
Summary: I just want to say I don't even know if you guys read these but I am human. I also cannot handle emotions properly. I try. I can be completely empathetic to point that I'm sick sometimes but for the most part, I don't know how to handle emotions so I either ignore them, turn them inward, or lash out with them. But in some occasions, I write them off onto some of my characters instead.





	Who Was Sapphire?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kneeshee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kneeshee/gifts).



> I just want to say I don't even know if you guys read these but I am human. I also cannot handle emotions properly. I try. I can be completely empathetic to point that I'm sick sometimes but for the most part, I don't know how to handle emotions so I either ignore them, turn them inward, or lash out with them. But in some occasions, I write them off onto some of my characters instead.

Sapphire didn't care about many things and she knew how that seemed to others. She heard the whispers of how she was some heartless monster that only felt joy from other's misery. That she was some rich slut throwing her money around hoping to wipe away all her faults. That she bought her friends because no one would like her for who she was.

Sapphire can admit that those words hurt. That they tore into her and filled her with insecurities deeper than the Tsangpo Canyon. Because who was she really?

She wore so many masks. The Heiress, The Serpent Princess, The Southside Gem, The Kingpin Member, The Orphan... Just who was she? Who is Sapphire Stone? Would she ever know?

It was those thoughts that plagued her day and night as she struggled to find her sense of self. Those thoughts that twist and turned in her mind as she lay awake at night before having to get up the next day and throw on a mask. It was those thoughts that she tried to drive out of her mind as she pounded her fist against the punching bags in her personal gym until her fists were bloody.

Who the hell was Sapphire Stone?

She could scream herself hoarse, but she doubts she would ever know. How was this fair? How could she not know? She could feel the impenetrable mask of the Southside Gem crack and splinter as she tried to focus in class. Her hand gripped her pencil tightly until it cracked under the pressure of her fist the sound not being heard over the shrill ringing of the bell.

Sapphire calmly took a deep breath before she packed up her things and exited her last class of the day. She needed to clear her head. She needed a break as the thoughts pushed themselves to front of her mind. She could see in some detached way as she strode purposely out of the building. She could see the other students' gazes on her. She could see the fear and anger in their eyes. The disgust. She was nothing but a walking wallet with control issues.

Sapphire could feel Phire fighting for control of her mind, but she pushed that side of her down into the abyss. Let it deal with their insecurities for a change. She was almost to the door when a pair of well-worn leather stiletto boots stopped in front of her.

She paused slightly her eyes quickly flickering over the person in her path. Ariel Tremaine.

She did not have time for this.

"Oh, hi, Sapphire," the girl purred, and Sapphire inwardly snarled. All the different personalities. All the different masks screamed inside of her. Demanded control. Who is Sapphire Stone?

"Out of my way, Ursula," Sapphire scoffed. "Move before I make you."

The girl pouted before a slow smile crossed her face, "Don't you supposed to be at the dance team practice? Oh, that's right. Jazz got the spot instead."

Surely, she had not committed so many sins as to deserve dealing with one pest but having to speak about another that were the reason these thoughts were plaguing Sapphire in the first place.

Sapphire scoffed and didn't answer the girl before she shoved her out the way and kept moving. "You can't fool us, Sapphire. Your masks may be carefully crafted but you're still just a rich bitch throwing her money at her problems."

Sapphire didn't pause in stride to get away from that building. Her eyes were wide and bright filled with so many emotions that no mask of hers could even attempt to hide the panic and confusion she felt. She didn't even notice the rest of her friends and her boyfriend standing by their rides waiting on her as she tightened her bag strap around her and sprinted down the road. Her bike would have been faster, but she just didn't have the patience to wait for it.

She ran as fast as she could and as far as she could. She could hear people calling out her name and feel the rush of air as people passed by her in their vehicles. But she ignored it all. She ran and ran until her body couldn't run anymore. Until she had to stop and breath. She fell to the ground gulping down air, but she needed to move. She had to move.

Who was she? Did she run from her problems too?

Sapphire felt more than heard when people approached her. When the vehicles by her stopped. She felt arms come around her and couldn't hide the flinch when Sweet Pea whispered into her ear, "Princess?"

She was no princess. Princesses got happy endings and they were liked and loved because of who they were. People only wanted her for her money and her looks and those that couldn't wait until she was older hoping to get her body as well.

No one wanted Sapphire whoever the hell she may be.

She willingly fell into the abyss of her mind to escape the thoughts drowning her.

\--

When Sapphire had joined the Serpents, she had been so sure of her place. She was strong and beautiful and rich. She was everything they could ever need.

And then Cheryl joined, and Sapphire’s world tilted on an axis. She hadn’t known what to think. She didn’t want to believe that her best friend had fallen in love with such a person, but she also didn’t want to believe that everything she had thought about Cheryl had been a lie.

She was a bitch that was true, but she was human just like the rest of them. And she wore masks just like everyone else. Just like Sapphire.

It hadn’t really been a problem for Sapphire to give the girl a chance. Toni wanted her to. She didn’t want her two favorite girls to hate each other. And she felt it slightly weird that both had mention how stress was bad for her skin (stress of them hating and avoiding each other was causing her). And Jughead wanted her to give the girl a chance. Which was shocking cause she thought boy cared little for her. But she did because he was FP’s son and FP made him the leader of the Serpents and she trusted FP’s judgement.

The two heiresses bonded over safe topics. Critics of the outfits around them and the absurdity of some of the outfits at galas they’ve been to. And then Cheryl just had to casually mention how she was so glad to have found Toni. How Toni made her feel more like herself. A person she never knew she was but was glad to be able to be. And Sapphire agreed to an extent. Sweet Pea did make her feel like somebody else. Somebody good. But she didn’t know who that was.

But she’d like to find out.

\--

Sapphire sat in front of her vanity. Her face was void of any makeup. Her hair was a loose ponytail. She looked like a kid. She imagined what the students at school would say if she showed up just like this.

She took a deep breath and told herself, “You do not have to wear makeup to be beautiful.”

 _“Aw, she has freckles. I could play connect the dots on her face,”_ a voice that sounded suspiciously like Ghoulie leader Malachi.

Sapphire picked up her foundation.

\--

Sapphire had been mindlessly pushing around the food on her plate. Stone Enterprises was partnering with some designer company and they wanted Sapphire to model their swimsuits. She needed to be smaller to be ideal look of beautiful.

She looked down at her stomach. She wasn’t fat. “You do not have to be skinny to be beautiful.”

 _“You are a good size, yes. If you lost some of your ~~gut~~ baby fat, then you would be perfect,”_ the voice sounded just like the designer and her own personal tailor.

Sapphire raced to the sink, stuck a finger down her throat and threw up.

\--

Sapphire refused to look at her mirror. She turned right for her closet and tried to find something to wear. She was kind of horrified to see that she had mostly designer and customized clothing. She seriously had nothing normal. Nothing from a thrift shop? Rue 21 or Forever 21? Nothing from Walmart? Was she really that bad?

She went to Joaquin’s room and started searching through his clothes. She avoided the designer clothes she bought him like plague. She dug and dug until she found a plain white t -shirt. It was small enough to fit her without being too baggy.

Sapphire went back to her room and searched for a her least pretentious pair of jeans. She slipped them both on and a simple pair of flats that she remembers randomly buying when her feet hurt from the heel she wore at a gala. She slipped her grandmother’s necklace on, grabbed her backpack and went to school.

She still didn’t look in her mirror.

 She swung onto her bike and drove off, “You don’t have to be anyone but yourself to be beautiful.”

\--

_“You’d be the perfect girl if you weren’t so untouchable.”_

Her masks dropped onto her face quickly, “If I cared enough about your opinion, then I’d start by remembering your name.”

She rushed off into the bathroom and applied minimal makeup to her face.

\--

She didn’t eat lunch that day.

\--

Sapphire was so tired.

\--

Sapphire stared down at the handful of pills in her hands. She looked into the mirror, and she didn’t like what she saw. She never did.

\--

She flushed the pills.

She didn’t have to be anyone but herself to be beautiful.

\--

If there was one thing Sapphire was used to, it was work a crowd. Whether it’s Stone Enterprises’ board or a crowd of reporters or even a crowd of students. She knew how to make them bend to her will and listen to her.

 “When I was born, I gained my first mask. A persona that I keep with until this very day. I nicknamed it _The Heiress._ It’s the mask I wear whenever I’m at a socialite party or in a business meeting or standing in front of you. I wore that exact mask when I walk through those doors.”

She could see the confusion in everyone. Just where was she going with this.

“When I was eight, I gained another mask. One I share with my favorite superhero, Tony Stark. I call that one _The Orphan._ I gained it the very second my parents took their last breath and its one that I will never be able to get rid of.”

The pity tasted bitter in the air. She needed a drink.

“When I was ten, I was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I had no idea what it meant. I only knew I was going to doctors after doctors after doctors. I thought I was sick. When I realized that I was going to see different therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists, I thought I was a freak. When I was ten, I began my descent into depression.”

Furious scribbling and scandalized gasp. Oh, they just got the story of the century.

“When I was twelve, I gained three more masks all at one time. My foster mother and I had been approached by people in the neighborhood to help improve our side of town. I instantly jumped on the idea and the first mask I gained, I nicknamed it _The Serpent Princess._ It was during this time that I met my best friend. The two of us gained an instant bond and wreak havoc all over our neighborhood. I shared this mask with her, and the neighborhood called it _A Gem._ We teamed up with my foster brother and our mutual friends and suddenly, we all shared a mask together, they called it _The Kingpin._ ”

Correction: she joined a gang.

“I’ve spent years tossing these masks around like baseballs, and I’ve grown tired and complacent. When I started the _‘You Don’t Have to Be… to Be Beautiful’_ campaign, I wasn’t doing it to for money. I wasn’t doing it to make myself look good. I was doing to let others know that they are not alone. People see us on these stages and runways and they go, ‘ _Oh I wish I was as pretty as her’_ or _‘Oh, I wish I had a guy like him’_ and _‘I wish I was skinny as them’_ ”. Well, let me be the one to tell you that I don’t know about anyone else, but I am fucking miserable.”

She could feel the heavy gazes of all her loved ones those that were there and those that weren’t. Who would’ve thought after so many years she could still feel the familiar weight of her mother’s stare.

“I’ve never told anyone this. Not my brother. Not my friends. Not my foster parents. Not any of my therapists. But I hate myself. Yelp, I said it. I absolutely despise myself. I used to go sit in the bathroom or in my closet or lye down in my bed and I would just cry and cry and cry. I’ve got insecurities on top of insecurities. I hate it all. I’ve had days with knives and pills in my hands ready to end it all. And I tried so hard to be the girl everybody wanted me to be.”

She is so damn glad she didn’t wear makeup because she was sure that it would be running down her face right now. Her eyes connected with Sweet Pea’s at the back and she could see the pity in his eyes, but she could also see the love and she pulled strength to continue from that.

“If I had to describe what I liked about myself, I wouldn’t be able to give an honest answer because I don’t know. I can fake confidence and self-assurance with the best of them. But I have never felt an ounce of love for myself. Love that I am so quick to give everyone else.”

She was kind of glad that this was being filmed live on the Stone Enterprises’ website. She had no worries about anyone doing any edits, and if they did, she had no problem pulling funding.

“I’ve starved myself sick because everyone made it seemed like that’s girls with small stomachs were the best. I’ve been pricked and prod of all things that could’ve made me who I am, but instead I just felt like a damn barbie doll.”

Sapphire ran a hand through her hair and took a deep breath, “I wish I can go back and teach myself how to be myself, but I can’t because I don’t know how. I want to start over, but insecurities are a bitch and I’d probably only feel worse. I have so much hate and anger and bitterness built up in me about myself that I could just scream. But instead I lash out and everyone claimed that I was untouchable. So, I took to it with a smile and a laugh when all I needed was for somebody to hear me and tell me it was okay. I broke into pieces and I had to be the one to build myself back up.”

She shrugged with a small tilt to her lips, “I wish I can say that I’m better and that I love myself, but I don’t. I really don’t. I draw strength from everyone else, but I don’t love me, and I wish I did just like I wish I could start over.”

 “A couple of weeks ago, I had a classmate ask me just who Sapphire under all my masks was. She said to it be malicious, but it stuck with like a mantra. I had found it so crazy. You wear mask to hide and protect something, but I didn’t even know what I was hiding let alone protecting.  Every morning before I started my daily routine; before I slipped on my masks… I would look in the mirror and say, ‘ _You don’t have to wear makeup to be beautiful’_ or I’d be in the kitchen contemplating my diet and I’d look down at myself and say, ‘You don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful’. Or as I drove to school in clothes that I would only imagine myself in and feeling the insecurities and doubt eat my mind, I would say, ‘ _You don’t have to anybody but yourself to be beautiful’._ Because that’s what I thought it was about. I think I don’t love myself because I don’t believe that I’m beautiful whether it be in appearance, personality, or my soul.”

Sapphire knew that if she or the universe didn’t kill her, this next part will. “When I walked through those doors, I made a promise to myself that one be the last time I wore a mask. Because I don’t have to wear one to be beautiful. So, thank you, Jazmine Towers for awakening this self-discovery. Stone Enterprises will be releasing apparel for the _‘You Don’t Have to Be… To Be Beautiful’_ campaign. All funding will go to different orphanages across the world alongside research centers for those that suffer from Alopecia.”

“My apologies, but we won’t be taking any questions.”

\--

Sapphire walked out of those doors with her head held high. She was everything and she was nothing.

She was Sapphire.


End file.
